Humor

. The Power I’ve noticed more and more of late My power to infuriate Is stronger than it’s ever been. I exercise it even when I try to be both dull and sweet And humble, willing, incomplete. Infuriation fills the air; I feel it in each icy stare, The phone...

. Dear Blabby’s Advice for the Clueless _I want to write a column _Like Abigail Van Buren To give out my elite advice _It’s something that I’m good in. _I plan to title it, _“Dear Blabby,” if you please. They’ll think I’m being serious, _But I will shoot the breeze....

. The Troubadour Remembers A troubadour wayfaring town to town, Hamlet to homestead, dale to grassy down, While he his vagabond mandora strummed, Now with the bass, now with the treble hummed, Until the dancing echoes of the air, Cast on the seas of carefreeness and care, Lured from the...

. Conjugation: Tense with Mood ---a verbal disagreement between the indicative and the subjunctive If I were all that I could be, Perhaps I’d spend eternity Cavorting in a field of lilies With thoroughbred seductive fillies. But I am just a common man, Essentially no better than A frog that’s...

. Of Cats and Cardinals ---for George Lionel (2005 – 2025) You left us at the hour of the owlWhen shameless moons are far too loud and bold__For one so still and cold---One shrouded in a freshly laundered towel,One lowered oh so softly in the earth---___Our whiskered gift,Our lifeless, purrless...

. Spoiled-Rotten Cat Instructs Visitors Don’t you dare try to sit in my spot! I’ll decide if you pet me or not. _I’m the star here you’ll see. _They all cater to me. They just like you; they LOVE me a lot. . . Ninety-Nine Candles Great Grandpa made this...

. Don't Call Me Shirley A Comic Homage Robert Hayes as reluctant pilot Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious!” Leslie Nielsen as Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.” (From “Airplane!” screenplay by Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker) I said to him, “But surely that’s...

. Of a Feather Professor Swann was new among the fonts of knowledge chugging up the tenure track; he'd earned his place among the college fac- ulty with bold views and a fierce response to critics. Apropos to ambience the ivied walls lent, students dared attack his points with blatant...

. Myths _I mined the Grecian myths _and wrung from them this gem: The gods amuse themselves with us and we amuse ourselves with them. . . Chuang Tzu We steal all our lives, was Chuang Tzu’s belief, to gather up booty for some greater thief. . . O Lethe...

. Therapy ---After "Help! I Can’t Stop Speaking in Iambic!" by Cynthia Erlandson Help! I can’t stop writing psychobabble!No matter what I pen, it comes out gabble. I scribble nonsense verses all the time,self-actualize through crafting metered rhyme. Long past the age of addled, callow youth,I'm still endeavoring to find...

. Dad and I Our sessions last an hour or two at most, for we get through them just as fast as can be managed, trying not to stir the ghost of hurts supposed to help me be a man. When Dad was young, he knew exactly what the world...

. A Sonnet for My One True Love Forever let the night go on and on, My body to your softness gently pressed, Nor let the touch of shameful, blushing dawn, Wake me, part us, and end a lover’s rest. How I adore your smooth and silky form, And how...

. I Would Say Yes ---a villanelle for Larry on our 36th Anniversary We were young and rather stupid then, But still I see that we were meant to be. I would say yes a thousand times again. From the first we’ve been the best of friends; Life was simple...

. A Winter's Tale There’re many strange and spooky tales, That come from England’s hills and dales. When Winter tightens up its grip, As feet and fingers start to slip. For on a cold December day, I ventured on the upland way, A spell of solace for to find, From...

. Durus Frater, Alma Mater Spring forward to where former arch-rivals Fall back on tall stories of the travels They enjoyed after two years of college, Before graduation sealed the knowledge Of how little there was to learn keeping Track of credit hours, how hours spent sleeping Made for better...

. Alotta Lip About my Hip Alotta lip about my hip On paper, phone, computer-drive. The new one at my femur’s tip Has generated verbal jive Beyond my wits. I can’t contrive The need for queries they should skip. I’ve been forever asked of these: “How is your pain? Drive...

. Auntie Barb ---a pantoum She cuts the cheats and charmers to the quick—Her tongue will skin a scoundrel in a wink.She’ll scupper every swindler’s slickest trickBefore the scoffers have a chance to blink. Her tongue will skin a scoundrel in a wink.Acerbic quips will shrink the overblown.Before the scoffers...

. Roads of Potter County Finally Spring has come north here---Always my favorite time of year.Potter will tease you in some way---Tomorrow might be a snowy day. Instead there came the green of grass,The white of snow its height surpassed.I rode and mowed without a pain,Across the lawn I would...

. Kissing Cousin I see her every two years, usuallyWhen someone dies or marries. And we kissAs if we were old lovers, passionately,Just as a silly spoof. She says I missThese hot encounters! Prudish maiden auntsAre duly scandalized, and start to talk.I say Now ladies, I’ve kept on my pants—When...

. Know Your Place __“Know your place!” In grammar school, that stung like mace.“To the corner!”—my timeout place. __“Know your place.” On my first date, with pimpled face,I never even reached first base. __“Know your place.” Now I craft poems, surely first rate!An editor wrote, “Do erase:Your poems plod like...

. Spring Has Sprung Spring has sprung. It has begun--- _Birds nesting in the tree. It’s warm again. The cackling hen _Can go outside to pee. Spring has sprung. It’s time for fun. _New flowers bloom each day. The cow awaits by the barn gates _Where I can make her...

. Sally  November rains brought to our basement door From the woods some pleading, needy eyes Staring from a fur mass, soaking wet. Our catless home (about to be no more) Welcomed her and tended to her cries. By Providence we had ourselves a pet. I don’t recall why Sally...

. The Water Closet An earthen pit, an outhouse stool, a chamber pot— We’ve long dispensed with these, the whole damn stinking lot! The housewife and the maid no longer shout, “Gar’ l’eau!” Before the toss of waste on city streets below. A lady needn’t lift her skirt, nor man...

. Ogre Food My parents, dear, although you love me so; and in your love, wish only for my best. Yet, to the first-grade class I will not go, nor shall I end my tears of loud protest. For fearful premonitions haunt my thoughts. My heart is filled with terror...

. Written in a Cubicle What spurs me, in this breathing grave of coffee mouths and cheeks unshaved, to stand upon my chair and shout, __"I'm out! I'm out of this forever-widening coop where glumness, going on a loop, entraps, within its strangling mesh, __the mind and flesh?" I should...

. A Faithful Friend's Advice The girl you have is just the one for you— my head could not conceive a better match. She is your sun, your earth, the very glue that rightly holds your tattered life attached. The stars aligned to seal your fate with her There is...

  Alive, Alive-o In Dublin’s fair city,Where the girls are so pretty,There lived an old woman,Who was well known to me;Where she sighed with amazement,At her new knee replacement,Singing, “Cartilege and Muscles,For me are all go.For me are all go, For me are all go,”Singing, “Cartilege and Muscles,For me are...

. Territorializing Slithering slowly, so very precise, A methodic invader (and catcher of mice), She stealthily slips toward the enemy there, So unsuspecting, at rest by the chair. Without a diversion to aid her approach, And only her instincts, I watch her encroach. So lethal and cunning, the hair on...

. How I Spent My Spring Vacation: Poetry and Photography by James A. Tweedie . It Begins 45 Days Surrounded by the circle of the sea I cruise Atlantic waters, eastward bound, As knot by knot each longitude degree Leads onward towards a world as yet unfound. To Portugal’s fair...

. Medusa's Sisters Medusa lost her head and found renown instead. Her living sisters roared, “And why are we ignored who so much fouler are and deadlier by far? “You’d think that she’d become the pride of gorgondom. Who caused Medusa’s fall? A sniveling man—that’s all. To that galoot the...

. Anachronistic Chaucer When April showers, forecast on TV,delayed our pilgrimage to Canterbury,an eating house, clept Hooters, we espiedbeside a leafy glade where we could bideour time in revelry and intercourse.Unto a cycle rack each tied their horseand entered Hooters, where a comely wenchcried: “Welcome! Here’s a menu! Take a...

. The Ballad of Shamus Well, Shamus were a likely lad wid a good well-meanin’ ‘eart As strong as O’Malley’s ox, ‘dey say—but only ‘alf as smart. ‘Is ‘eart belonged to Nellie, aye ‘e wished her for ‘is wife. An’ ‘e made up ‘is mind to win ‘er if it...

. Innovative Thinking My long-time love gave me a special gift, a photo of himself when he was young. He even autographed it: “Love you! Dave.” From then, upon my wall this treasure hung where I could always gaze at it---but then his love, if it was love, began to...

. Poetry Legacy Superb is her poetic contribution, Unique in its design and execution. She hopes the work is widely loved and lasting— With love beginning prior to her passing. . . Restricted Lane He sees her every several days, _They talk a bit each time. As soon as she...

. Spring Bloomers ---a triolet A lick of spring has kissed the air Whispering of skimpy knickers--- It’s time to toss thick underwear. A lick of spring has kissed the air. I’ll hurl my hat, let down my hair As chill will thaws and fever flickers. A lick of spring...

. Dirty Dishes The dust is often out of handAnd should I write my name uponThe coffee table and night standIt will be seen when morning dawns. But dishes, oh the dishes mustBe kept up or the sink will beFoul with spoons, forks, plates and cupsAll left to soak too...

. The Wedding Dress The dress, first cleaned and vacuum-packed, _Was safely stored back then, Remaining perfectly intact _And never seen again. . . The Prestigious Publication’s Poetry The words seem arbitrarily selected, And randomly presented on the page. With any meaning in them undetected, And I’m as smart as...

. Be Careful What Ya’ Wish For Well, all o’ ya’ knows when ol’ Paddy McFarland’s _been drinkin’ ‘e’ll spin up a tale Oooozin’ with bits what is ‘ard to believe— _fer dem who ain’t pickled with ale. But last Friday evenin’ ‘e threw out a whopper _dat brung ‘im...

. Vernal Equinox Germans call this season “frühling.” Spaniards name it “primavera.” Welshmen say the term is “gwanwyn.” Shetland trawlers go with “voar,” so Let’s resolve this with a rüling: It is “springtime” in this era. Let the Anglophonic man win. Some speak Spanish — English more so. __Till that...

. Equinox Blues Welcome to spring! The last snow may be past,_and bright blue frames the parting clouds.The sun rides longer in the sky, at last,_than lost to night’s slow–ebbing shrouds. The weather’s clearing but, alas, not warming;_light sparkles on our coldest daysince winter last. No honeybees are swarming:_they’re told,...