Humor

. Simple Simon Responds to Sayings of Captain Obvious English literature tends to be wordy. Many tricks are exceedingly dirty. On a bright sunny day the whole sky appears bluish. All the teachers that pray in Old Hebrew are Jewish. The weather is always mercurial. Some questions are strictly rhetorical....

. Mussolini's Minions ---Segesta, 2012 Entranced, we wander round the temple site.The hot Sicilian sun beats down. I’m frayed,now seek the parking lot's uncertain shade.My brother John’s nearby, though not in sight.I spot a limestone post, eye-level height.What are these bas-reliefs, chipped and decayed?Focusing on the figures, I’m dismayed.Bound rods,...

. Gossiping Hinges Some think we hinges only squeak __because we seek __an oily drop __to make us stop, but hinges gossip day and night, __our message, quite __distinctive. We, __with raucous glee, say 'hi' to hinges down the street __we'd like to meet, __or squawk a song __for sing-a-long....

. Give Praise for These Days of Old Age You’re up in the morning, you moan and you groan, You’re feeling the grinding of bone against bone. When your knees have embarked on a life of their own, _Then give praise for these days of old age. You’re down at...

. Howl at the River Howl at the river, cry me a moon; Blow up on a drum, and beat a balloon; Smirk like a sailor, drink like a prig’ Eat like a football, drop-kick a pig. Jimmy crack rainbow, over the corn; Internet pie, and easy as porn. Taking...

. Capacity “This is too big and inexcusably Extravagant, so next time I insist We buy a smaller glass. This one will be Always half-empty,” said the realist. “You say this from experience,” replied The visionary, “But should realize That if our lot improved then you and I’d Be sorry...

. How Did You Woo Me? Let Me Count the Way You didn’t sweep in on a snowy steedClad in armor buffed until it glittered---A shining knight of bright and mighty deedClutching ribboned gifts on which you’d fritteredA wad of dosh from coffers spilling splendorTo get your dazzled damsel to...

. Lines for Your Valentines Without you here, my life is like A broken pencil, simply pointless. And if you tell me to take a hike, My legs won’t move, you’ve made them jointless. When I got up today I sneezed And God blessed me with seeing you. What’s that...

. Moments Matter When my daughter was just three __I took her to the zoo. She laughed and smiled and had a blast __And I myself did, too. My friends said, “Why did you do that? __She will not recall The day you took her to the zoo, __At least...

. Concerning Snow ---a conversation between Beauty and Necessity “Well, there you go again.” “What's that?” “Come now, don't act so innocent. You see that plow out there, defacing what it took all night for me to sculpt.” “Now listen, let’s not fight about this, not again. It’s only snow,...

. Classic Case History Though I was blind, it wasn’t hard to see That blindness was a gift at least as good As any other. People seeing me As someone less insightful than he should Have been were blurry shadows on a field Of murky gray, and I was able...

. . Sonnet 1 I felt like trying something new today, And so I put my pen upon a page To mimic Shakespeare's famous olden way— A style which, I hear, was all the rage. So here I am committing fourteen lines, To document my thoughts dynamically: I think it...

. The Great Rub-off Norm and Zip, in mismatched chairs, __were sipping tea and talking, when Desi, their loyal hound, said, “Listen, __you’re shedding like me!” (How shocking!) Norm spat out his quinoa, __Zip spat out her tea. Desi howled with laughter now: __“Just sayin’. Don’t blame me! And, by...

. Watch Out! Now, “The Three Little Pigs” is a tale More for cautioning than for amusing: Learn its lessons and you may prevail; Heed them not, and you may end up losing. For we, none of us, live in a bubble Free from entropy, rust, or destruction; Try to...

. Bollical Dogs I have a complaint! T.S. Eliot hogs All the fun with his stories of Jellicle Cats! So let me (inspired by zoo catalogs) Write of beasts ripe for versificational chats. But shall I vaunt possums? Or groundhogs? Or bats? Of course not! I’ll write about Bollical Dogs!...

. A Freshman Pep Talk ---upon reading “Composers to Listen to While Studying,”by Andrew Benson Brown, in The Epoch Times, Nov. 2, 2024 You’re ready? Get down to it, cram the night through.What a loathsome idea! But think what will ensueif you don’t crack the books and pour over class...

. Oh, the Days Oh, the days of poop and vomit! My best dress had drool upon it While I walked my teething child Up and down the hall for miles. Oh, the days of poop and vomit! When the baby chose to not sit In a high chair during...

. Help! I Can’t Stop Speaking in Iambic! Help! I can’t stop speaking in iambic Pentameter! No matter what I say, Somehow it keeps on coming out that way. It’s not the first time. Could it be a chronic Disease that targets poets? Tragicomic, Incurable, it constantly contrives To make...

. Christmas in Florida I watched him pass! St. Nick himself---Kris Kringle,Who hails from Buffalo, not the North Pole.He waved; I heard bells on his golf-cart jingleAs he sang karaoke rock and roll. That’s how it is here. Golf-carts in procession:New Jerseyites, New Yorkers, MichigandersWho’ve moved where tropic heat is...

. The Drift of Dark Days November is a time for us to grieve About the dying of the warmth and light, About the passing of our joie de vivre, As we await the bitter arctic bite. Near-perfect vees of fleeing geese are gone From curdled skies reminding us of...

. Fake Sales “Fifty Percent Off”The store signs all say,But I have to scoff---There is simply no wayThat the clothes I picked outFrom the “sale” in that store,Were---on this there’s no doubt---Ever one penny more. . . Didn’t Look There I looked everywhere,But it was no place,Except for right there---In...

. Celestial Potatoes Thanksgiving morning, poised I stand: near cutting board, honed knife in hand. My self-taught method must suffice: ten pounds of tubers, peel and dice, pot-boil, purée with whipping cream. They grace the table, reign supreme, snow-white, and soft as forest-moss, upstaging bird and cranberry sauce. If Heaven’s...

. Montana High School Reunion The big fella who grew up in Butte, Claimed his high school sweetheart was so cute, __Going back would be grand __A reunion was planned So he went out and bought costly boots. He came thinking about his old lover, But as soon as he...

. A Recruiter Tells It as It Isn’t Your World War One recruitment agent prays he finds you well. Your King and Country says we need you for a dalliance in France. In gay Paris, you’ll get to chat and dance with mademoiselles before you reach the Front. With pals,...

. Guy Fawkes Night Makeover November 5th! To Guy Fawkes let’s be kind--- no burning him in effigy this year. His hanged-and-drawn-and-quartered doom I find excessive; let’s reverse his fate most drear! His body parts (grim warnings to be loyal) return to London where they recombine. His entrails get un-burned,...

. I. I travel thanks to water, But do not float or sail. More quickly than an otter And have a smoke-like tail. What am I? . II>. II. When at the beach, I soak up sun, Look down on waves (that’s always fun), But sometimes I get carried away,...

. The Walk Whether you call it a walk or a run, some animals tread on the water for fun, to flee, chase their food, or show off for their mate. Grebes, doing a dazzling dance for their date, slap their lobed and impressively wide and flat feet on the...

. Their Principal Principle With their hideous lies and a gleam in their eyes They disable each new generation, For the best route to power in districts gone sour Is attacking the heart of the nation. . . Speak Up! I’m not afraid to be a bit transgressive When I...

. Consequences of Following Advice Advice can come in snappy lines __That have a fun refrain: “Let a smile be your umbrella,” __Though that won’t block cold rain. They tell us that “To err is human. __To forgive is divine.” But to forgive may let errors happen __Yet another time....

. Not the Same Thing Anymore Of most who go to school these days __It sadly must be stated, No longer can they be appraised __As being educated. . . Kids’ Most Common Mistake The most common mistake that young people can make __And some kids sadly do it a lot, Is believe...

. Autumn Reversed Once snowflakes have recrystalized,__they rise from where they fell;in Earth’s alternate universe__it’s early winter’s knell. The frost unfreezes, rain unfalls,__leaves littering the groundascend into the naked trees__and soon become unbrowned. As acorns torn from squirrels’ paws__unripen in the boughsof oaks de-ageing, dairy maids__unmilk the oom-ing cows. Then crops befall de-harvesting__and...

. What Mother Goose Neglected to Mention . A Soup Spoon Reflects upon His Past So the dish ran away with the spoon, we were told, __And he treated her well, bless his soul, But he realized, when he was tarnished and old, __That he should’ve run off with the...

. Cutie Pie Cat The pink-nosed face of Prospero my cat, Pink nose and white fur face, is what he rubs Against me, purring.  He does not know that I love him since he’s cute.  My finger scrubs His whiskers and his ears because I think He likes that kind...

. The British Museum The best sources repeat it, unending, For the scholars in every lyceum: Many art works, of nations unlending, Can be found in the British Museum. There are statues and weapons and baskets, Which could fill the entire Colosseum; Plus, amphoras and armor and caskets. All are...

. Devotions Night after night, for nigh a year, When bedtime came, we’d watch our child Be overcome by his emotions: From glee, to rage, to childish fear, And us both stumped: What drove him so wild __And triggered these explosions? He needed more than bedtime prayer To climb down...

. Light Wave Heatwave When the temperature rises, a worker despises __The withering glare of the sun. When the sweat’s so profuse that our skin is a sluice, __Even golf and croquet ain’t no fun. A jug of cool water grows hotter and hotter __As Sol makes his way up...

. Supply and Demand Infinite happiness isn’t available. Something so precious just isn’t that scalable. Boundless dismay, though, is much more attainable. Being uncoveted, pain is quite gainable. . . Off Day The best that I can do today Is leak a sigh of lost dismay And wish that it...

. Garden Party The sparrows near the feeder flit and preen While predators politely quit the scene. A mockingbird is chirping up a storm, And soft drinks on the cart are getting warm. The worms beneath the mulch are lying low, But old cock robin knows just where to go...

. The Mannequins Are Melting The mannequins are melting as we speak Now that the summer heat wave's at its peak. __While passing by the clothing store __This afternoon at half past four, I saw the havoc waves of heat can wreak--- Wax statues melting in their own boutique. There...

. Washington Assumes Command at Cambridge from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 Devoted Billy Lee, a stalking fox, Observed his master’s swaying ponytail. The ribbon coming loose, he stopped to fix It, leaning sideways on the narrow trail As Washington, colossal, sat astraddle. On reaching Cambridge to assume command, This...