Humor

  “Vexed by a verb!” I often vent, undeniably discontent. Let my quirky quote be the key to promoting a patent plea for the status I’d reinvent: Pairing “I am” with “years” has meant an identity I resent; being defined by age makes me vexed by a verb! The remedy...

Ballad: Our Crew of Two When we set forth, the breeze blew fair, The sun shone balmy, warm. Our sheets were fixed; sail filled with air, No warning of the storm. Our crew of two, so cheerfully, With confidence untried, Thought we could lick the strongest sea And still enjoy...

My Goldfish Has an MFA Roundel for Gillian My goldfish has an MFA; I got official notice just today. Of course, she cheated all the way, but, still, my goldfish has her MFA. She thought about a web-based MBA, but business ops collapse from day to day and life is...

  The gown and the date are set, caterers and florists I’ve met. The hall has been booked, no detail overlooked Wait...I don’t have a groom just yet!   There once was a very young rat who thought himself a big, black bat. So, he leapt off a chair and...

The Speaker Unaccustomed to Such Oratory Feats The speaker - unaccustomed to such oratory feats - cleared his throat, a bit too loudly, while he fumbled through his sheets. The crowd sensed, early on, that they were in for a rough ride - when he called the "ladies" "laddies" and...

  Scrabble-ism One night I was hangin’ with Len, Eating and watching t.v. All the pizza rolls gone, I then Suggested Monopoly. “That game is all luck!” he then said, Voice revealing some anger. “Scrabble,” Len suggested instead, To which “yes” was my answer. Scrabble is, no doubt, a great...

  Kitty staring at the tipped fishbowl (whoever felled it left not a hair), With no one home, what was, do you think, The mysterious force that toppled it there? I will honestly say I do not think That ghosts and such visit much these days Or that Petey Canary...

  Obi-Wan Bin Laden RIP Let’s remember what God wants: Killing people’s never right, So Obi-Wan Bin Laden then Cannot be a Jedi knight. To make folks free you face them straight - Backstabbing lacks God’s protocol; So Obi-Wan Bin Laden looks Like something that has lost its soul. He’s...

  Pacific Trash Vortex I don’t care about chemical sludges, I don’t care about plastic debris, the Pacific trash vortex is so far away, that it just doesn’t matter to me. So, the plastic is piled on the beaches, and the turtles are starting to choke, and the weather channel...

By Evan Mantyk I. I’m thinner than most cars you see, I do not guzzle as much gas, And if I ever want to flee, Between two cars I’ll eas’ly pass! What am I? II. I’m in the water but can’t swim, And on the beach, I play a lot;...

  So Far, So Good One friend fears his father’s Alzheimer fate, another prepares herself for the end while her husband tries not to cry or state she can’t leave, but for her sake he pretends he’s as cheerful as she, as impatient for her trouble and pain to fly...

  Hiding My Glee (Rondeau) Hiding my glee, lest my spouse see the merriment mulling in me. I’ll deftly deflect our next fight by delaying my lone delight that the winner’s my nominee. Elections won’t topple “Team We”: To heal the hurt, I’ll hopefully ponder his political plight hiding my...

  Aleppo By Cid Wa'eeb El Sur We will drain it dry as hay. Peace shall neither night nor day hang upon its pent-house lid; it shall be a place forbid. Weary seven months times nine, shall it dwindle, peak and pine. Though its spot cannot be lost, yet it...

  A Bear in My Living Room While playing some computer games One day, I heard a noise out in The living room. I frowned, but paused And went to see. To my chagrin A bear was squatting on the floor And doing what he had to do. And I...

Growing Up So lucky they used to say, and it was when it was rare. But now there’s way too much gray in the thinning crop of hair. And why must you now choose here of all the places to grow? Count it all a little queer to trim an...

There was a king who sought to enter Law, for as he noshed a cone of Rocky Road, the Emperor of Ice-Cream froze his jaws & caused the Queen to love pie á la mode. The Court’s legates cold Caesar’s claim endowed when, like sorbet in August heat, they fixed...

A Rhyme Crime An old man once curtly said, "I wouldn't give a dime for poetry that has rhyme." A rhyme nut killed him dead. Now his widow mourns past times as she hears the rhyme nut's rhymes. "My love, you're too pretty not to live in the city. "Come with...

  Paean to “ODE TO JOY”* I heard the “Ode to Joy” today, ten thousand times at least. I could not hold my heart at bay, engorging on a feast of melody, of majesty, of rhythmic palpitations, while soaring in full harmony with Heaven’s exaltations. The clustered chords embraced my...

My Mirror Grinned (Rondeau) My mirror grinned at my first grey. With rearing youth, it’s my first fray. Disturbed, with care I plucked that bane, next day to find one more, again! I cried and sighed and went astray! That’s how began my darkest day with whitest hair and day...

  Gathering like large and lazy vultures they asked me, on my travels, where I’m from — my origins, religion and my culture the place from which I came, so forth, and on. But how to answer them? For I existed before spermatozoa met an egg. I come from letters,...

Will Power When God asked Solomon one day     What his heart did most desire, The man said if he had his way     Unmatched wisdom he’d acquire. Now some might quibble with that choice     (I’d certainly not demur), But what would make me most rejoice     Is moderate will power. Helpful it...

  Ice I open my golden flowing fins,     I dance beneath the ice, I dip and twirl and pose and spin:     Tell me, don’t I look nice? Look at me! a glistening fish     flowing fancy and free: I know if you could have a wish     you’d be pretty as me....

Old age recycles the body An infant once pink turns blue Nature recalls with rapid speed To complete life’s circle anew Fuzzy hairs on baldy top Steps and thoughts are staid Alpha becomes Omega When life’s mean trick is played Baby teeth are whisked away Clacking dentures enter in Waking...

Petals in the Winter Three petals on a lily like the snow were held aloft And though the wind through window whipped it so just one fell off Two petals on that lily blue lamented on the sill But through and through Though grief be true It grew that flower...

This dieting can be Hell With nary a late-night snack I wage a constant battle When the hunger pangs attack And should I dare venture out To the neighbourhood café The waitress takes my order And “salad” is what I say When at the farmers’ market I’m careful where I...

Related Content 'Trump' Presidential Prophecy Poem by Nostradamus Donald Trump (A Clerihew*) Donald “The Donald” Trump Surprisingly took to the political stump What is, perhaps, not as great a surprise Is that he should thrive in a realm ruled by lies. *A clerihew is a whimsical 4-line verse about a...

No one can hate you like a former spouse. It sounds like a country-western song, I know, but no one can mutter you’re such a louse as an ex-lover who swears, “What a souse, and if I tried to say a word, he’d go, ‘How’d you like to be a...

  So to Speak My teen-aged son talks not as I do; I cannot teach him, yet I try to. If I should use subjunctive mood, He indicates an attitude. Instruction in the active voice Is met with his more passive choice. When I distinguish “different from” From “different than,”...

To some the world revolves around them, And nothing else can matter. They’ll do anything to reach that end, Including endless idle chatter. They walk around like “Hey look at me.” And are only happy when you do. They’re like an exhibit for all to see, Like an animal in...

Go Forth, Graduates! To all you graduates, fare well! This world is yours today. Don’t follow the masses who sell Their minds or don cliché For meaning. The sky is crimson But not dark, the body Sick but not dead. Summon Your courage and join me! Get ready for the...

  If anything I could choose to be, certainly the pig I would choose; with an oink and a roll in the mud, of me, no man would accuse gloominess, misery, or grief. I would wake up in a bed of muck with no stress, no need of relief, and...

  1.  The Man There’s a little village up north,     yet untouched by modern strains, Where plain folk in stilted thatched huts,     lived midst fields of yellow grains, Now the best known of this poor lot     was an aged but gentle souse, Who was hired to tend the five rooms...

Unripe Deceived are we by the state of the skin, when overly reliant on our eyes. Of greater concern is what lies within, under the surface we find the true prize. A gentle squeeze applied to test the fruit, we learned the skill at a tender young age. In relationships...

Dear George, If only you were living at this hour, Day, week, month, year. These times are newly strange— Hilarious, but not. You had prime power To forge a nation, though within the range Of law. Good whisky and false teeth might help Us muddle through an age without decorum,...

 After Phoebe Cary, after Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.      Tell me not, in scolding shouts,     Education is an empty dream, For the brain is dead that doubts,     And things are not what they seem. Married life is real, earnest ;     Though one must not forget to learn ; Taken from love,...

Roly-Poly Talking on the telephone, a mother missed her baby Wait a sec, I’ll go and check And call you back, Jack, Maybe? Walking down the passageway, she thought she heard a noise She slid a paw around the door And looked in on Her boys. She saw Bubs first,...

  A Fifteen-Year-Old's Response to Frost "This 'pome' don't make NO sense! What junk!" the scowling students muttered. "Two roads in the woods!" one hissed. "Such bunk"-- opinions rudely uttered. I quelled the urge to hurl my book. I said, "Can't you surmise what they might mean? Let's take a...

1.) The prankster's favorite home decor, Clockwise or counter, the choice is yours. Never eaten, found in bowls. Around I go, I'm on a roll. What am I? ANSWER   2.) A flightless bird, born in the east. I do not chirp, molt or feast. Stationery, at peace, unmoving if...

  They tweet like a bird, have books of your face, and Kindle who? I can hardly remember which TV button to touch. I simply don’t understand how to google or text you, or send instant telegrams in seconds; it’s just too much! So, it’s better if I keep to...

Igor at the Kitchen Sink By Alecsei Durbew I saw him washing dishes at the sink. He stood against the smooth, white countertop, and tan, wood cabinet below his pink thick, stalwart legs—bull in a china shop. O, he was not Prince Hamlet at the court, but rather more Prince...