Humor

. Cold Blooded Murder It is a hot and muggy Sort of Texas day. Time to do my stalking And hunting down my prey. I’m armed and dangerous. My weapon I half-hide. When killing I am cautious And patiently abide. The blood flows to my eyes. I sharply squint to...

. Washington Departs from Mount Vernon from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 “Wouldn’t you rather stay?” Watching her doveOf sixteen summers, Martha’s hazels, tearingAway from patriarchal pupils, doveBelow to scan the roses. Turning, tearingUp, she observed the clear Potomac wind.Pale bluish grays, so often hard as lead,Had softened, tracking her...

. It’s All Her Fault ---with a nod to Eleanor Brown's "Bitcherel" Why write in meter when penning a poem, __You ask me, so here’s my reply: When I drop the rapturous roll of a rhythm __My muse fades away with a sigh. Some muses are fans of haphazard eruptions---...

. My Vacation Trip in Verse by James A. Tweedie One of the comments in response to the recent “On the Meeting of Poets” post read: “A diary in verse. It’s original and interesting. I’d like to see more.” Since I journaled in verse that recent trip my wife and...

. Second Chances Just know that you’ve been staked a second chance At any time the future’s looking muddy. Put on your shoes and socks, and join the dance. Don’t look a gift-horse in the mouth, askance, Pretending you can’t work for anybody Who thinks you’ve not been staked a...

. The Small Commission When school yearbooks are thrust forth to be signed, We give out life advice. We speak our mind, And charge our classmates to keep some small vow: “Recall our good times!” “Stay as you are now!” As Christ did with his Great Commission bind His church...

. Washington and the Cherry Tree from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 Young George chopped down his father’s cherry tree, Not knowing that a woman lived inside. While playing with his hatchet, too carefree Out in the garden plot, he swung in wide And chipped a piece of bark from...

. Problem Child Barley and hops acquainted, meet, __And yeast completes the marriage. Soon happy news as something brews __With keg for baby carriage. Where he appears good cheer is found; __When gone, he's always missed. However with time and on the ground, __You’ll find him properly pissed. The loud...

. Anniversary Remembrance Sometimes I envy them the lives they lived, the death they died: They perished at the peak of lovers’ hopes and nuptial pride--- No growing old for that glad monarch or his happy bride. Some twenty years ago at summer’s end I saw them glide In glory...

. A Town The difficulty of describing how This town was then, may only be because So little happened there, compared to now, Though what occurred (the bustle and the buzz) Filled every room in each small house and more To overflowing with the acts of people Engaged in vicious...

. I Need My Coffee  I need my coffee; don’t get in the way Of that which wakes me up and makes me tick. Addicted? Yes. I’ll quit another day. I’ve work to do; on task I need to stay. My morning  cup of Joe gives me that kick. I...

. Miss Jewell’s Suicide ---from a story by George Gissing The chipped and mismatched crockery,Two boiled eggs and tepid tea,A single slice of buttered toastWith marmalade—a dab at most—And oatmeal porridge barely warm:Such is breakfast’s pallid normHere in a low-rent boarding houseWhere lodgers live sans friend or spouse. Miss Jewell...

. The Rise of Washington from Legends of Liberty, Volume 3 IT’S TIME! Let’s give our story’s star some space. He’s famous through the land, you know his role: “A fire in his eyes, a light in his face,” Eternal Heaven destined him to rule. His birth miraculous, his father...

. Were She to Ask, and I Affirm Were she to ask, and I affirm That I'd still love her as a worm, I'd make it clear (because my dear Has Northern Cardinals to fear) The Robins and the Starlings Would die before my darling's Tears went down her little...

. Four Letter Words My dad was smart, my dad was wise; He crossed his t’s and dotted i’s. His grammar skills were without taint. And he did not say y’all or ain’t. He taught an English class to teens (In a suit and never jeans). “Raise your hand, do...

. Reward for How You Live from Italo Calvino’s Italian folktale “Gesù e San Pietro in Friuli” One night, while traveling on a mountain road, two wanderers came upon a small abode. The vagrants, Jesus and Saint Peter, knocked. The house’s occupant then came, unlocked the door, and opened it...

. The Day the Roofers Came He fled the day the roofers came. His fur was fluffed and frizzy. He whizzed across the busy lawn so quick it made me dizzy. The slam and clang and hammer bang had left him in a tizzy. I searched the day the roofers...

. . Little Boy Blue . Original Version Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn, The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn. Where is the boy who looks after the sheep? He's under a haystack, fast asleep. Will you wake him? No, not I, For if I...

. Phone Home I often talk to radio astronomers, The kind of guys who like to stay anonymous, Who chew on reams of stellar data every day From objects, many million, zillion miles away. In England’s fields, we have the famous Jodrell Bank; This mighty dish could hold a thousand...

. A Tiny Tabby Beside our garden’s scalloped fence, where English Ivy’s vines are dense, we viewed an unexpected sight; a mini tiger, gold and white! This morning’s new, bewildered guest, abandoned here and quite distressed, kept yowling panic-stricken sounds, surveying unfamiliar grounds. “Investigate!” demanded they who’ve never had to...

. I Saw a Naked Wood Nymph I sat down in the forest, a picnic in the shade. I saw a naked wood nymph flitting across the glade. I dropped my sandwich there laying on the ground. I went to chase the wood nymph; whose beauty was profound. I found...

. I Never Do a Happy Dance I never do a happy dance, Or look online to find romance, Speak my sentences upended, Or keep saying I’m offended, Check my email every hour, Never seeing tree or flower, Drink my coffee on the run, Keep myself out of the sun....

. 1. Just off the cuff, I’d cap the alcoholic swill __Before it calls your bluff and saps your will. . 2. The dead, although their tongues are somewhat tied, Might know already all you might confide. . 3. The past, its spoonful bittersweet, doesn’t let things slide; It’s at...

. King George III Declares War from Legends of Liberty, Volume 2 Note: The British have won a pyrrhic victory at Bunker Hill. King George, who has been showing some erratic personality quirks since being possessed by a roach (the Devil), heads to Parliament. Enlisting the aid of Col. Banastre...

. Dishing Out Advice Why are there always dishes in the sink? So lazy and undisciplined. You’d think they might show just a little more respect and know that household members will object. But there they are, just sitting in the way, with all their dirty pals, as if to...

. Epicure's Delight A wondrous day, my love, is this— An afternoon of utter bliss! The two of us alone at last Embracing tightly, holding fast! The setting sun could scarcely vie To match the fire in your eye. No tender blossoms can compete With loins like yours, so soft...

. To a Beet I sing the bristled hedgehog grainno horticulture can explain,with six sly seedlings in its brain:__the unborn beet.  That hook-and-hollow hydra seed, a spiny knell to nascent weeds;nor leaf nor rootlet can impede__those fuchsia feet. I sing the painted plum-wine sproutsthat spring aloft---as one, no doubt---outrageous rings that...

. A Curse Against a Thief from the Carmina Burana Let the thief who stole my cap be by death collected: Let it happen suddenly, and be unexpected; After death, to endless pain let him be subjected; Once he’s gone may Paradise consider him rejected. Let the thief who stole...

. A Divine Mistake? Dear Father up in Heaven, Why create thou rats. Six times out of seven They even scare the cats. Why create thy creature’s eye So beady and so small, With no redeeming features, Why create thou them at all. Your works indeed delight us, How constant...

. Overkill K.I.S.S. ("Keep it simple, stupid.") My heart enflamed with rapture, burned With passionate desire; yearned For her and only her, consumed By fire. And like a flower, bloomed Poetic as I told her of My fervent, everlasting love In words so beautiful they shamed The works of laureates...

. Third-Degree Burns A young poet who came from Dundee Looked around him and then took a knee, __For the older he grew __The more surely he knew That accomplishment wasn’t to be. But another lad, whom we’ll call Angus, Who was wont to berate and harangue us, __Said, “They...

. Shakespeare's Women for Susan Jarvis Bryant, who has a spiritual home in Stratford-on-Avon It’s April 23rd. The rain is pouring And from the Gulf the Poet can hear thunder. She sips Earl Grey. Her regal cat is snoring. The Folger in her hand fills her with wonder. She gazes...

. Not Sonnet 18… Yet I strain in vain to sparkle like the Bard. I strive to spill slick iambs by the ream. Comparing thee to spring in my backyard Just doesn’t thrill like Will’s lush summer dream. My charmless, tuneless, sunless, bloomless day Beneath a muddy, buzzard-busy sky Will...

. Goodbye, Sweetie Oh, devil-angel, Sugar! Your time’s done! You rot my teeth, yet melt upon my tongue. I’m forced to hide my black smile from the sun; meantime, my exhalations smell like dung. You cause us cardiovascular disease and diabetes I and II, as well; you pile the flesh...

. The Meat Purveyor’s Son Aesthetically impaired, she was the heir to daddy’s fortune. She was plumpish, short and much too close together were the eyes. She hankered after marriage with a man to birth at least a daughter and a son. Alas! She wasn’t what you’d call an English...

. The Qua-Train In four lines stood iambic feet To board the quatrain from the street. The poem made of quatrain cars Passed each four lines like music bars. Each quatrain car rolled down the track, First the front, and last the back. Now that all the poem’s said, The...

. The Book on Lefty McBane McBane could do no wrong—from his debut, late in his rookie season, right on through his grandfather’s retirement. Every pitch he threw gave batters a decided itch to hit ... the bar. His curve was arrow–straight, and quicker on its journey to the plate...

. Distress Signals an extended villanelle Distressing times are coming round again, And all the talking heads now flap their jaws To say it isn’t if, but rather when.— There is a dearth of good upstanding men, And far too many convoluted laws; Distressing times are coming round again, As...

. Coffee Limericks . I love to have coffee each morning, Including the act of the pouring: __I smell the aroma, __Come out of my coma, And wonder why you still are snoring. . I start with a coffee each day— A creamy and sugared latte. __I open my eyes,...

. . Homophonophobic (This poem is so vain and humorous you’ll burst a vein or break your humerus) My editor returned my latest piece, but all my comrades lay in pools of red revisions. Storms of mourning blew my peace away on that blue morning, as I read. My angry...