Humor

. Blocked Though honeyed breezes warm the marble halls on Mount Parnassus, vainly do I search for writing on my January walls— molasses clogs my veins.  A different church, perhaps a fresh sodality of Muses would put things right.  It’s not that mine are quiet— they all speak up at...

. Season of Gall and Sticky Listlessness Autumn is upon us here in Texas. Her shy arrival’s destined to perplex us. Just like the voiceless aria of Spring, Fall’s muted presence doesn’t change a thing. All year we bear the brutal blare of heat Drumming to the sear of Summer’s beat, Roasting freckled necks till lobster red And toasting every thirsty flowerbed. Some cannot...

. Labyrinthine Bag My wife, bless her heart, went and bought me a bag with tons of compartments, and pouches, and pockets. But searching for stuff is a chore and a drag it takes me forever to locate my dockets. I don't mean to whine, and I do hate to...

. Rhyme Subprime I tend to rant against slant;maybe it’s something I can’t__embrace with affection__or write to perfection but I don’t mean sharing a thoughtin a sensitive way that’s not fraught,__using careful selection__without misdirection so meanings will clearly come throughin the way that I wanted them to,__with proper inflection,__enhancing connection...

. A Draft of Death Did Flavius not inform us How a fart fetched fates enormous? After Flavius Josephus’s account of a Jewish Passover (ca 50 AD), when Ventidius Cumanus was procurator of Judea. While in Jerusalem a throng of Jews, __Each present as a Paschal guest Two decades after...

. On Being “Chopped” On TV, watching the show “Chopped,” I see Three losing chefs go home each episode; And one who celebrates a victory For a dessert they called, “Shrimp a la Mode.” Imagine being a top-notch chef gourmet And hear your Crab Creole described as “bland.” Beneath Ted...

. Cantankerous Limericks on Good English Prose I love a complexly wrought sentence With phrases and colons that went thence __To make concise points __With their well-dovetailed joints And gave one no cause for repentance. Your prose should be sharp as a razor And cut through all crap like a...

. . Freedom high school algebra class; May 12, 1993 . A breeze blows in; it wisps my hair, And flutters papers in the air; It carries, with the scent of rose, A dream---and takes one as it goes. . Upon its wings the gentle breeze Transports sweet memories with...

. Excuse My Excuse An excuse—that’s a word to excuse at those times when I need a good ruse __which I’ll put to good use __while I find some excuse which will not leave folks singing the blues. If the words I misuse are obtuse, as they cruise, they’ll be...

. God Made These Texas Summers The Summer’s come again To the vast Texas plain, Where touching any metal Can instantly cause pain. The horny toads are resting In shadows of the rocks, And cowboys now are wearing Sweat absorbent socks. Meantime down in Houston, Girls’ hair has turned to...

. The Pietà or Mickey Mouse? A book I’ve read depicts a boy Who’s searching for creative joy. His mind can’t focus on a vision, So he’s weighed down by indecision: To carve the rock behind his house— The Pietà or Mickey Mouse? To chip away each chunk of rock...

. Belling the Cat The mice called a council to try to defeat A troublesome cat who would ruthlessly eat Any mouse in the house that she happened to meet. A young mouse spoke first. “Pay attention to me. We’ll fasten a bell on the cat, then you’ll see That...

. Aphorisms for a Foggy Morning No literary monuments exist without the word. A lord who lacks entitlements is patently absurd. A song that has no sound to give has never yet been heard. Two wings for every bird that sings, no cheese without the curd. * The prospects for...

. The Magic Casket 'Twas in the local funeral home __The miracle occurred, As ticking clock hands kissed at noon __And restless spirits stirred… A gasp, a creak, a quake, a crash, __A spectral puff of dust; A ghostly face as gray as ash, __An icy, eerie hush. A casket caught a toiling guy __Who’d plunged right through the ceiling....

. Mosquitoes God designed the darn mosquito, But the reason’s nothing we know. Seems their less than epic purpose Is to bite our epidermis. . . The Left’s Vision for Future Transportation From much of what is heard today It seems that there are forces, Whose discontent will not allay...

. Gordon’s Soup One day old Arthur Vincent Knowling, Quit the couch to take up bowling, Grasped the fact at fifty-three, The time he’d wasted on TV. He’d been a hermit all these years And suddenly was filled with fears That if he didn’t make a plan, He’d die a...

. Ghost in This House "I don’t mind staying in, there’s another ghost here. He sits down in your chair, and he shines with your light, And he lays down his head on your pillow at night.“ —lyrics from “Ghost in This House” by Hugh Prestwood A cherished lover doesn’t...

. The Boy Who Cried Wolf Once there lived a shepherd boy who Despised his dull profession. His job was to alert the town When wolves would show aggression. One Saturday in late July, He thought it would be hilarious To stand at pasture’s edge and shout, “A wolf! Come...

. Pick-up Truck Dude This dude in his old pick-up truck Sped recklessly, riding his luck. __He swerved ‘round the bend, __Lost control in the end, And got his truck stuck in the muck. . . Sleeping Kitten The kitten slept, feeling quite smug, As snug as a bug in...

. Two Summer Villanelles . l. Lone Star Sear The burn and boil is grim for some. I’m red of neck and flushed of cheek. I’m roasting under summer’s thumb. Cicadas thrum and twang and strum Their shrill and tinny, eerie shriek. The burn and boil is grim for some....

. Curious Couplets . Goose Lady When driving through a blizzard, Marge Espied a goose, not over large. Determinedly it marched along— One wing dragged as it sang its song And whistled wee wee as it went— A crippled chick, quite innocent. What could she do, or anyone? The gosling’s...

. Medieval Scam Letter Felicitations from the Holy Land, Where I, as sole survivor of a band Of mercenary soldiers stashed away Much booty; and concealèd it shall stay Until a boat’s procured to sail me home. I found your name within the Domesday tome, A family respected and adored;...

. The Sky Within The rolling sea becomes a frothy lather When argent Sister Moon calls forth a tide And sooty billows on the skyline gather. A flash of lightning urges us inside Where we observe the phases of our moods, Uninterested in commonplace diversions, And when a shadow of...

. The Tortoise and the Hare in limericks A tortoise and hare were a-talkin’. Said Hare: “Why, your slowness is shockin’! __If we ran a race, __You’d be a disgrace. I’d win, even if I were walkin’.” Said Tortoise, “No, hare, I would beat you. As swift as you are,...

. The Number 53: To His Coy Transport Had we but world enough and time, My coy and tardy 53, This hesitancy were no crime And I’d be waiting patiently. When other buses came along I’d not obstruct or block the queue. If someone barged me in the throng, Without...

. Henry at Morning Time I’m lost in Greek or Latin, when You break into my life again. “Daddy, look! It’s morning time,” You say, as rays of sun sublime Bring color to the room. The leaves of Philosophes serene Read better in this morning gleam, But I’ll not sit...

. Don't Mess with Texas Gals On My Late Life Wife . Don't mess with my hot Texan. She's Texas born and bred. She does not fool with strangers. She'd rather see them dead. They said when she was born She had fire in her eye, The doctor wouldn't spank...

. The Number 44: The Cookery Class Now, this is a tale of a cookery class; It happened in Battersea early one March. The teacher was Jane who though barely thirteen Already sought fame as a culinary queen. Our Jane had decided, supported by Mum, To ask all her friends and...

. The Adventures of Verb At six, I had a dictionary Where I would meet a man named Verb, Superb and quite extraordinary, In every definition’s blurb, Right at the finish, did while doing, For example: “Verb chewed, chewing.” In my mind, I saw Verb clearly, With brown hair, mustache,...

. Fifth Glyph This glyph, in British talk, occurs most oft--- most common, too, writ down within our books. Twixt ‘a’ and ‘z’ it’s fifth, not sat aloft but low and unassuming in its looks. An ‘o’ ajar, in small form, with a rod slid inwards at a horizontal slant; this symbol...

. Gnome A long-time fixture at our home Is Schnozz, our little garden gnome. This non-complaining happy chap Appears to have a handicap, And looks to me, I must confess, A poor neglected, grubby mess. His hollow body, cheaply cast, Sadly wasn’t made to last. Beaten down by wind and...

. Come September a pantoum Ohio State’s your home come September, Though we'll be lonely, stuck as empty nesters. Our home will be without its central member, When college life will beckon each semester. Though we'll be lonely, stuck as empty nesters, We'll always cherish memories of you as a...

. Butterfly Habit Ungainly butterfly, Misdirected flight. Fascinating random, Unpredictable delight. To and fro… up and down And backwards if you please, Bumbling aeronautics Independent of the breeze. Unruly butterflies, Liberated dancers. Whimsically wonky Little hit and miss romancers. Playful little femme fatale, Capriciously she teases, Wobbling uncontrollably On butterfly...

. On Second Thought When words fail, __perhaps it’s not the words at all, __but hobbled minds that cannot call __a lucid image to avail ____the powers of description. When love fades, __it might not be true love that’s lost, __but rather that endearments tossed __with shoptalk salad-wise evades ____all...

. A Poetic Heretic’s Poetry Tips a villanelle inspired by Dr. Salemi's essay "Poetry As The Philosophers Stone" Don’t listen to the howl of highbrow spiel From preachy creatures out to flatten flair. Don’t let the sunbeam-zappers sap your zeal. Don’t bow to scoffing boffins. Never kneel Before a do-it-my-way doctrinaire. Don’t listen to the howl of highbrow spiel. Don’t let...

. Ode to the Turnip Oh, turnip! You’re a vegetable maligned, suggestive of a drunk’s empurpled nose. Baked, or boiled, or steamed, on you I’ve dined, then revelled in a peaceful night’s repose. Your sweet and nutty earthiness when cooked __belies a dull repute--- __though you’re the favourite root on...

. The Shortfalls of Empirical Knowledge Sorry, Iowa. Each night is different from all previous And therefore not the same as those to come. The ways of Nature can be devious: They test experience and leave us numb To expectations we would otherwise Have nurtured and applied to form our...

. Why Children Like Nursery Rhymes A story to be told, a tale to tell Of things that do not matter much at all. Who cares about the farmer in the dell? Or Humpty-Dumpty falling off a wall? The pickled peppers Peter Piper Picked? Jack Horner in the corner eating...

. Salutations, Spring We sing your praises long before you’re due and after you’ve departed—all year long! You bring green grass and flowers into view— plus bugs, torrential rains, and winds so strong. You come with warmth to woo the Earth to life. Sweet fragrances come wafting on the breeze....

. A Few Special Letters . The mother goddess The m’s the mother goddess of the letters: Her shape exemplifies the female form. A bosom there for some, a bottom others; For warmth and comfort is the m the norm. Indeed, no woman could exist without her; Of matriarchy is she head and sum. The m holds all of...