Humor

. A Tribune to Mrs. Malaprop My fellow poets, lend me your arrears! Of arms and divan I sing. Let’s have three cheers For Mrs. Malaprop, that dole enchanting tongue-tried Miss Communicating aunt From Sheridan’s old comedy of mangers. She spoke with verbal and linguini dangers. Her word-choice wasn’t always...

. A Man’s Retreat A man’s retreat is his garage—a place To keep his vehicle, yes; but also space To store his manly, miscellaneous hoards: The glues and putties; automotive oils, Waxes, wipes, and rubbing compound; slats Of wood; insecticide for pesky gnats; His golf umbrella, towels, clubs, and hats;...

. More than My Queen My Queen has always been a noble force--- A force for good on chilly English days. Her friendly face, her air of grace---my source Of joy in more than crown-and-sceptre ways. I saw her wave her white-gloved, regal hand When I was nine and knotted...

. The Twins _Said one foot to the other, _“Please don’t nag, you’re not my mother, I am sick to death of listening to your woes. _You lament you’re always tired, _Whereas I am always wired, Quit complaining that I’m stepping on your toes. _Even though I’m all about you...

. Karl Barth Platz 1999 Perhaps we walked the same worn cobblestones, Between the same sheer walls, shops clean and trim, Down the same pathways, past the same old homes, And were startled alike by graffiti sneaking in; And gazed, from heights, at Alps presiding higher Than the tallest smokestack,...

. Press On, Regardless Conduct a full internal audit, Then throw all caution to the wind. Expect a decent measured plaudit No hypercritic can rescind. And if you think you can’t do better It’s time that you should think again. Follow the rulebook to the letter, And pay no heed...

. Where Your Treasure Is “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:...

. Nil Carborundum Illegitimi  On dismal days enswathe yourself in rays, Then flash your splash of sunrise with panache. Such zesty citrus, saffron spun displays Will smash malaise with sassy solar dash--- A glowing grin that lifts your lows sky high… __Nil carborundum illegitimi. Brush off the bleak and bask...

. Free-Fall My life has been in free-fall since the day that I was born. __Through clouds and sunshine, I have flown and soared. The trip has been exhilarating since that birth-day morn. __There hasn’t been a day that I’ve been bored. The longer I keep falling all the more...

. Shear Wickedness He was black from his nose to the tip of his tail __But for irises of a rich yellow. In his earlier days he was handsome and hale— __Yes, indeed, a magnificent fellow. But the calendar pages kept turning, alas, __And his ways became labored and stressed....

. All Are Numbered Moving along the narrow grassy rows Under a sherbet sky, time seems to be The only place where nothing ever grows Or dies, and grass remains, eternally Quite clipped and orderly. It truly shows That someone, somewhere, sometime gave it care. Each blade of landscape preens...

. Satan’s Limericks on the Seven Deadly Sins Sepulchrum patens est guttur eorum; linguis suis dolose agebant: venenum aspidum sub labiis eorum. Their throat is an open sepulcher; with their tongues they acted deceitfully: the poison of asps is under their lips. —Psalms 13:3 . Pride Be proud and aggressive...

. The Obsession of Emily Rose (A Cautionary Tale) Emily-May Matilda Rose, from the age of three, Acquired the habit of picking her nose wherever she might be. Though otherwise a child of whom her parents could be proud, Her nasal explorations drew a captivated crowd. Passing folks would stop...

. Resist Arrest Instead of Arresting Resistance In Denmark, something now is very rotten, As fetid as the food-scraps in the trash That we have, somehow, carelessly forgotten To take outside.  Our mood begins to crash As we reluctantly, ashamed, take heed Of our inured abject incompetence. Some reinvigoration’s what...

. In Honor of Birthing Person's Day In gratitude and thanks I bless the one Who gave me life, who sacrificed each breath; Whose love unbounded warmed me till their death. I praise my dear, beloved birthing person. I bless the day that I became their son. For nine months...

. The Song of Nina Jankowicz The lies burst ripe and rife today. __Their juice spurts forth with pride. The thirst of those who’ve gone astray __Is quenched by gossip’s tide. My job is drenched in poisoned fruit. I’m Nina. I will kill the root __Of grapevines far and wide....

. A Sonnet for My Nephew Your mother held you first, and then your dad, And after that, the nurse. But then: your aunt. You curled inside my arms—such a small lad— My heart was yours right then. You did enchant Me so, and I knew then that you and...

. Revelation You never see suspects admitting their guilt, __Or partisans stating they lied. You’ll never hear soccer stars fearing defeat, __Or macho guys saying they cried. In a world where the truth’s often hidden away, __And the facts can be hard to construe, One thing I would never keep...

. Douglas MacArthur, Et Al. Douglas MacArthur waded through the surf, Unafraid to lead his men in battle. Today, they’d rather write a book, tattle On their bosses, and walk on Astroturf. Just sayin’: MacArthur, Nimitz, Halsey— You gotta give ‘em credit: those men were ballsey. . . Joe Biden,...

. St. George Updated Our age old bold defender __Now an up to date transgender Is consorting with the witless and the woke. He has quit his knight malarkey __Now he hates the patriarchy And our green and pleasant land’s gone up in smoke. He fought the fiercest ogre __Till...

. By George! By George, St. George! You really are a slouch. Arise, pick up your lance, eschew the couch. Like Patrick, Andrew, David, fill our breasts with pride and we shall wear upon our chests your colours---background white, a crimson cross, since of all saints, you’re England’s saintly boss....

. Remembering Ophelia His scathing tongue had thrust her to the edge. It nudged her through the willow’s sunless fringe. She teetered on that petal-littered ledge Where Hades howls and bluest moons unhinge The violet thoughts of agitated minds. The breath of death, it wreathed her in a kiss Of...

. With Boots On Soon after break of day an old man comes Trudging along the thawing roads of Cottage Country (the common land of day and hope) Considering the analects of Spring. At every unploughed drive where frozen slush Prevents all ingress of the motored sort He pauses, then,...

. Hymn to Aurora  1 Aurora, rise and cast your curls Of daybreak through the vapor swirls To drape my face in scarlet beams— Since you left me I’ve had bad dreams. Like waves, my sheets have tossed and turned, I’ve waxed and waned, I’ve dripped and burned, My patience...

. Support the Current Thing Don’t ponder on the horrors of our age. Don’t thumb through all those dusty history tomes. Don’t dally in the dazzle of a sage. Don’t chew on clues and muse like Sherlock Holmes. Don’t scrutinize the motives in Ukraine. Don’t grapple with the rabble on...

. The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare Classical Poets Student Edition Adapted by Evan Mantyk to retain the meaning of each line within the original poetic form, including blank and sometimes rhyming verse. Purchase a copy of the below adapted version on Amazon here. For a PDF of the...

. The Flowers' Easter Debate Palm Sunday is the Flowers’ Easter, the day when they honored Jesus Christ entering Jerusalem. As they did not need Good Friday’s bloody atonement for sin, the flowers were ready to crown Him. . The Rose Our good Master Comes as Pastor; Our good Master...

. Love’s Seasons In the heat of the night, when conditions are right, __Gentle lovers will cuddle and spoon. It’s a wonderful plan, much more marvelous than __Any other found under the moon. When the weather grows crisper and winter’s a whisper __On the sensitive nerves in your skin, Just...

. The Short-Lived Triumph of the Junior School's Health & Safety Officer The children wait in line to sanitize Their grubby hands before their morning class. The teacher guards the door, and none may pass Without a mask beneath his anguished eyes, Then, once inside, all sullen chatter dies At...

. The Simplest Way to Save the Earth The simplest way for us to save the earth Would be for women to stop giving birth. For when there are no longer any mothers We’ll solve the problem of too many “others.” The truth in this is easy to deduce: As...

. https://rumble.com/embed/vvm2wt/?pub=4 . Identity Crisis I used to think my body was all woman, My fruitful womb refused to be dismissed. But now I’m not so sure I’m even human--- I’m not a fully trained biologist. I’m failing at cisgender recognition In times when genitalia count for naught. But I...

. From The Burkean: Icarus magazine currently holds the reputation of being Trinity College’s — if not Ireland’s — premier poetry journal… with contributions from Seamus Heaney and John Montague. …our writers concocted various alter egos … to send in the most woeful poetry imaginable, hoping our diverse credentials would...

. Your poem can be serious, silly, or something in-between. List the “random words” you chose as your poem’s title and feel free to use whatever poetic form you’d like. Then post the poem in the comments section below. . “Rhyming, Rhythmic, Rapturous . . . and Random” A Poetry...

. Dispiration I have nothing to say, Not a thought in my head. If I needed to pray There would be nothing said. Just a large empty space And no functioning brain, With the mouth on my face Filled with nothing worth saying. It’s a bad case of “Writ- er’s...

. Not What He Thinks All my success An old friend said Has clearly gone Straight to the head. I’ll grant that, but Judged by chagrin It’s his head my Success is in. . . Rachel Dolezal Poor Rachel had a very basic problem, She’d spent her life pretending to...

. Love Letter to a Spoon How fine thou art my silver spoon. Your neck as graceful as a swan. Your hips full as the harvest moon. Thy manner gentle as a fawn. Bright curls of finespun filigree Like rays of sun doth frame thy face. How splendid to my...

. Slàinte! Today we’ll lift the Lenten limitations And don our Gaelic garb of kelly green. Bonhomie and glee and lush libations Will flow at dawn and dusk and in between. We’ll pluck a harp and pick a lucky shamrock, Kiss the Blarney Stone and spin a yarn, Eat colcannon, steaming stew, and...

. On Sighting a Marsupial "Serve with: Turnip greens" —Joy of Cooking Opossums are so ugly that it isn’t clear Another of their kind would find one good to look At.  Matted fur and hairless tails do not endear Them to Americans.  According to a book I read, their closest...

. Two Poems for White Day On White Day, March 14, men in Japan present white gifts to women, in return for the chocolates they receive from women on Valentine’s Day. White Day began in 1978 as a commercial venture to sell more candy and flowers. It is now observed...

. Hermes, The Artisan Hermes, son and messenger of Jove, Surveyed the coast, where often he would rove, And found a tortoise beached upon a cove. He took it home and made a turtle soup— The shell, he thought, was like a giant scoop; And then, inspired, he cried a...