Thank you to everyone who participated in the Funny Food Poetry Contest, including Judges Michael Curtis, Lorna Davis, William Ruleman, James Sale, and Bruce Dale Wise. We had quite a number of people serendipitously break the 14-line limit rule and thus created an entire category for them, which you will see listed after the first roster of award winners.
FIRST PLACE WINNERS
(Will receive an official Winner’s Certificate)
“Wobbly Reflections” by Sally Cook, Silver Creek, New York
What does the jello think
As it wobbles in the bowl?
It dreads the sucking sink,
But has no stated goal.
A crystal dish will suit
Its personality.
It snuggles up to fruit,
Is clinging as can be.
Aggressive; passive too,
It has one simple dream,
And jiggles through and through
At thoughts of plump whipped cream.
“You Can Keep the Cilantro” by Father Richard Libby
I’m glad to be a Texan; we feast on hearty food.
Smoked brisket and potatoes and slaw are mighty good,
And pinto beans, well seasoned, augment our cooking’s fame;
But if you add cilantro, I’ll pass, thanks just the same.
Old Mexico’s influence can be perceived with ease;
We love our breakfast tacos, with meats and eggs and cheese!
A tangy, spicy salsa is always kept nearby;
But if it has cilantro, I’ll eat my tacos dry.
Give me sage and lavender, and rosem’ry, dill, and thyme;
Parsley has a pungent taste, and basil is sublime.
Chives make a dish more tangy, and mint makes food more sweet;
But you can keep cilantro, that’s one herb I won’t eat!
SECOND PLACE WINNERS
“Restaurant Critic” by David Watt, Canberra, Australia
I’ve become a restaurant critic – a pastime surreptitious,
Disguised as humble patron, private connoisseur of dishes.
But hidden in my briefcase, tucked neatly under table,
Resides a voice-recorder, linked to sugar-bowl by cable.
There within the sugar-bowl, supported by the spoon,
I hide a mini-microphone for comments opportune.
Interspersed ‘tween slurp and dribble, I chatter without quibble,
Finding faults aplenty in each main, dessert, or nibble.
“The stir-fry’s gone stir-crazy! The minestrone’s lacking!
This mud cake fits description! The crackling isn’t cracking!
Then the restaurant owner grabs me, and labels me “A phony.”
To which I swiftly answer, “Sour grapes, and spoiled baloney!”
“A Mirepoix for Bastille Day*” by Florence Major, New York, New York
Liberté, égalité, fraternité-
Heads rolled like vegetables of Escoffier
In baskets never meant for pommes de terre,
Choice as truffles, but not elantière,
Sliced to order, no longer earthly fare.
This banquet was to feed the multitude
Who cheered the falling blade the Chef had honed.
Their pot au feu was boiling as if stewed,
The Country’s fair were being pared and boned.
Then in frenzies of anticipation
The kitchen and the larder ran amok:
What they thought was cleansing of a Nation
Became the rapid firing of each Cook.
Egalité was braised and put to roast,
Then Boney crowned himself and was French toast!
*Bastille Day is July 14.
“Osteria” by Bob McGinness, Columbia, South Carolina
The summer of two thousand eight was dry,
producing Sangiovese grapes nearby
the town of Montalcino, Tuscany.
Caparzo wines with high acidity.
The fruity glass, Brunello Montalcino,
would surely complement with berried vino,
the truffled ravioli and ricotta;
a Cappelletti tune with string sonata.
And Stracci: pasta ribbed in ragged splendor,
immersed with braised wild mushrooms, warm and tender,
sautéed in mildly bold rosemary oil,
and wine that complements without turmoil.
So long to savor life, my fare’s been tragic,
until I tasted culinary magic.
“Tenderloin” by Suzanne Ramljak, Connecticut
I lifted you, up to my lips,
upon the fork’s unflinching tips.
You shuddered as you rose to meet
my tongue, a hostess indiscreet.
With juicy sweat upon your brow
you entered in my darkened mouth.
Once there I pressed and fondled you,
and thence I swallowed your virtue.
THIRD PLACE
(Read these third place poems in the comments section of this post)
“Limerick” by S. David Gold
“A-Prankering” by L. W. Owen
“Ordering Dessert” by Al Salehi
“Perfect Peach” by Christine Tabaka
“A Slice of Eden” by G.M.H. Thompson
“Dissertation on Peanut Butter” by Judy from Gautier, MS
FIRST PLACE (Over 14 Lines)
“The Drunken” by J. Simon Harris
SECOND PLACE (Over 14 Lines)
“Hash” by Amy Foreman
“Just Desserts” by C.B. Anderson
THIRD PLACE (Over 14 Lines)
“My Love Affair with Flan” by Hannah Johnson
Congrats to all the winners! And a special thanks to everyone who contributed, making this a very interesting and fun experience. The talent demonstrated was, in a word, delectable. Might I suggest we do this more often? How ’bout a contest about ridiculous fashion trends of yore, gifts we wish the giver had kept, or, those “senior moments” we have (some of us more often then we like to admit)…?