‘I Took a Notion’ (A Man’s View and Then a Woman’s), by Norma Pain

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I Took a Notion (A Man’s View)

I took a notion once in life,
To find myself a willing wife.
A wife who’d cook and clean and mend
And to my every need attend.
I had a momentary lapse
Within my mind that she perhaps,
Might meek and mildly do the chores,
Of washing windows, drapes and floors.
Of cooking breakfast, lunch and tea
And proudly serving up to me,
Delicious fare… no hint of diet,
And while I ate she would be quiet.
Never nagging or complaining,
Or require of me explaining,
What I do or why, or when
I might be home or not, and then,
Not be upset by mere digression,
Tolerant of my indiscretion.
Always loyal, sweet and yearning,
Trusting I’d be soon returning.
Waiting by the telephone,
So full of love for me alone.
She’d leave my slippers by the bed
And fluff the pillows for my head,
And if I was in need again,
She’d dutifully not complain,
But lay herself divinely prone,
Indulging my testosterone.
And after I was duly spent,
I’d hear no words of hurt resent-
ment, as I promptly fell asleep.
Nary a word, nary a peep.
She’d look upon me with devotion…
Once in life I took a notion.

But… life is hard to understand.
Things went not quite the way I planned.
The comely woman that I chose,
Was quite inclined to thumb her nose
At all my needs and raw desires,
Not caring much to quench the fires
That plagued my loins on many a night,
But rather she preferred to fight,
To grumble, argue and complain.
She’d look upon me with disdain,
Then serve me up her special roast
Of burnt, leftover beans on toast.
And should I dare to meekly utter,
My desire for toast…with butter,
Likely I would find instead,
The food arranged upon my head,
At which point she would turn about
And slam the door on her way out,
While I, adorned in beans and crust
Would watch the long-neglected dust,
Float upwards on the draughty force,
To settle in the sticky sauce.
Bewildered, I would do my part
And pray she’d have a change of heart,
But when late home and feeling chipper,
Nowhere would I find my slipper,
Or its partner, whereupon
She’d take two pillows… leave me none.
Then with a huff and puff and sigh,
While I not sure exactly why,
She’d turn her back in firm rebuff,
Implying that she’d had enough.
We split soon after we were wed,
I hired domestic help instead.

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I Took a Notion (A Woman’s View)

I took a notion in my mind,
That somewhere on this earth I’d find,
Just as in books and magazines,
A man of most substantial means.
He’d cross my path one fated day,
And never ever go astray.
He’d be good-looking, tall and slim,
From workouts at the local gym.
With clefted chin and dark brown curls,
And though the eyes of other girls
Would follow him admiringly,
His eyes would rest on only me.
I pictured him in perfect health,
With more than just a little wealth,
To buy me most expensive things,
Like Gucci bags and diamond rings.
He’d be mature and very wise
And never argue or tell lies,
But treat me with the utmost care,
Perhaps he’d be a millionaire,
And take me to the best hotels,
Where anyone who matters dwells,
To fraternize and shoot the breeze
With many fine celebrities.
I’d wear a Gucci gown that clings
With Gucci bag and diamond rings.
And underneath the pale moonrise
His love for me he’d poetize.
His touch would leave me feeling weak,
How cute the dimple in his cheek.
And never would there come a time,
When he would do white-collar crime,
Or send me out to work and toil,
For he would have huge shares in oil,
Enough indeed to buy me things,
Like Gucci bags and diamond rings.
And I’d be sure on countless nights,
To bring him sensual delights,
To make of him the happiest man
In all the world, would be my plan.
He’d look upon me with devotion…
In my mind I took a notion.

But… all those storybook romances,
Filled with charm and loving glances.
All those things that I had read
Were wrong, and what transpired instead,
Was unlike anything I’d dreamed,
Unlike the magic that I’d schemed.
And so, instead of wedded bliss,
My dreamy plans all went amiss.
Instead of all that money brings,
Like Gucci bags and diamond rings,
My washout wedded life began
And ended with the kind of man,
Who sat around in undershorts,
Unshaved, un-showered, watching sports.
For days on end he’d lounge about
And never take the garbage out,
Or vacuum, or pick up his mess,
Or feed the dog and cat unless
I lost control and screamed and bitched,
And threatened that we’d get unhitched.
And even then the lazy slob
Would not go out and get a job.
He’d smile a smarmy little smirk,
Expecting me to go to work,
To pay the bills, it wasn’t fair
That he refused to do his share,
Or lend a hand, I don’t know why,
Was he confused or was it I?
And little matter that I wept,
His promises were never kept.
He swore as sure as grass is green,
He’d always treat me like a queen.
He said his eyes would never wander,
Now I see him looking yonder,
Eyeing up the pretty girls
With Gucci bags and cultured pearls.
He promised me a solitaire
And top designer clothes to wear,
But all I got the last I checked,
Was disregard and disrespect.
No trace of all that money brings,
Like Gucci bags and diamond rings.

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Norma Pain was born in Liverpool, England and now lives in Parksville, British Columbia, Canada. Thirty of Norma’s poems were published by Dana Literary Society, between 2004 and 2007 and she was twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize by that same on-line poetry site. She self-published a book of rhyme in 2000 called Bulging Assets.