.
Maria Montessori
Seldom felt hunky-dory.
Her vision for education
Fell short of inspiring a nation.
.
King George the Second
It has often been reckoned
Would have been more fecund
Had more mistresses beckoned.
.
King Henry the Eighth,
Defender of the Faith,
Would have happily run a marathon
To escape Queen Catherine of Aragon.
.
Antonio Vivaldi
Would have clicked with Garibaldi
For his music quite prettily
Unified Italy.
.
.
Peter Hartley is a retired painting restorer. He was born in Liverpool and lives in Manchester, UK.
Thank you for these, clerihews, Peter! These are funny, especially the Henry VIII one. I have not made a “clerihew” category at the SCP since it is unmetered and I still look a bit askance at the form. If others want to weigh in on it I’d be interested. Is the clerihew a worthy form?
-Evan Mantyk, SCP Editor
A clerihew can be as metrically precise as an author wants it to be, within the requirements imposed by the name of its subject. And like limericks, clerihews are meant to be looked at askance.
CBA thank you for this helpful explanation.
CB
Need we tediously
Glance askance at the clerihew if
We can view it skew- whiff?
Evan – if the villanelle and the Spenserian were broadsheet newspapers the clerihew would undoubtedly rank with the limerick as a tabloid or red-top. If their literary worth be measured by the degree of skill, artistic merit or length of time expended on their composition, then they must rank very low indeed. For at least one member of SCP, though, they are a bit of light relief from the misery of sonneteering. As you say, this poetic form lacks meter but with their often ingenious and contorted rhymes at least clerihews do have one attribute of formal poetry, which puts them streets ahead of blank verse. Some time ago an SCP member quoted a hilarious rhyme for Aeschylus (these kill us) and there can surely be no better vehicle or outlet for this sort of excruciating rhyme than the clerihew. They are as mellifluous as the sound of fingernails scraping down a blackboard.
Double dactyls fall into this category as well, and even limericks benefit from a well-ordered sequence of anapests and/or amphibrachs.
CB, Thank you for this, and yes, there are certainly some combinations of feet that seem to work in a clerihew and some that don’t. A propos an earlier comment, while in the US anapests are universal, in the U.K., we tend to spell them “anapaests” and pronounce them “anapEEsts”
This poetic treasure,
Will surely give pleasure,
To any consumer,
Of Peter’s great humour.
Jeff, many thanks for this poetic endeavour, and it is a good example of one of those clerihews that “works,” as in my comment to CB above. The one below doesn’t work on any level but does point out a paradox in your name:
Jeff Eardley
Absurdly
Mutton Jeff: a riddle
That “ear” in the middle.
A mystery riddle
Of words in the middle
Of names, is the part
Of your own that says,”art”
Jeff – that clerihew for me, below, is hyper-brill. You should specialise in humorous poetry. Do you know I had never even noticed the word art in my name before? Can you believe that? I always smirk smugly to myself when I hear of people with the forenames “Jade” or “Jordan.” A jade is a knackered horse and a jordan is an old name for a chamber-pot. Ha ha!
“Your Peter is clever,” the Headmaster said,
With anagram names from the top of his head.
“And good with a paintbrush, so it’s a safe bet,
He’ll have a career as an ART HELPER YET.”
Sorry Peter, I have been listening to far too much John Cooper Clarke.
Jeff, I don’t know if you fish…. here goes
Jeff Eardley really likes to fish
In streams up near the sky.
To put those rainbows in his dish
He tied a FREE JADE FLY.
These were funny, indeed, but please bear in mind that my wife works in a Montessori school.
CB – I believe that your wife has a rare sense of humour and will not take my clerihew amiss.
Poet Peter Hartley
Writes clerihews quite smartly.
Restoring old art was his game,
Now his sonnets bring mountains of fame.
Mike – Thank you for the wondrous clerihew that manages to draw in at least three of my great passions in life. I tried to pen a response in kind but unfortunately had to abort it when I came to the conclusion that your aunt is probably no more wry than anybody else’s.
I lived a time when song was great,
And trees were tall and limber.
I took my fiddle to the States,
And fiddled in YANK TIMBER.
(Alfred Lord Tenniselbow)
Brilliant!
Susan Bryant
Isn’t odd.
She’s non-compliant…
Stands by God.
Her path to straighten,
RUNS BY SATAN.
I think these are fun — especially rhyming prettily with Italy!
Cynthia – I’m very pleased that you liked them, and thank you for telling me.
Oh, yes, Mr Hartley. Nicely done.
And if I might dip back into post colonial African history:
President Daniel Arap Moi
kept a pond full of koi.
They were well fed during his tenure,
which is more than can be said of the people of Kenya.
Paul – Thank you for your very kind comment. I feel that I must elaborate on your comment:
The Mau Mau
Were a wow
In Kenya, support frugal
In Portugal.
Peter and Evan — these are all quite charming and funny. My two cents are that it took skill and wit to pen these within a form which imposes structure and, therefore, requires poetic discipline. Personally, I think it is indeed a form worth celebrating.
Brian – Many thanks for expressing your view about the clerihew. One stricture that I don’t think has been mentioned is that the second to fourth lines normally carry some truth or some utter absurdity around the truth about the character portrayed, as in:
King George the Sixth
Got most of his kicksth
By using his stammer
To hide his bad grammar.
And:
King George the First
Found his accent accurst
But his großvater’s Erse
Was even worse.
That third one made me laugh, and there’s not much that makes me laugh nowadays, so thank you Peter!
Cheryl – Thank you very much for your very kind remark, and I’m glad that number three made you laugh. I have written dozens and dozens of clerihews but most of them just aren’t funny.
The anticipation of reading unexpected rhymes and the certainty of humor makes the clerihew a worthwhile form. Thanks for these Peter!
Thank you, David, for the kind remark and I hope that Evan will have gathered from the comments above that, in small doses at least, for the SCP, the clerihew, like the Limerick, can be an effective means of conveying epic profundities.
And just to get the other three King Georges out of the way:
King George the Third
Was only as good as his word
And everybody garbles
When they start losing their marbles.
King George the Fourth
Made the long-dead Lord North
His future Prime Minister.
The move was considered quite sinister.
King George the Fifth
Cared not who he was with.
When he married Queen Mary of Teck
He just said “Oh shucks, what the heck.”
Peter, what wonderful fun! You have shone a spotlight on this tricky little form and made it shine. I had no idea the clerihew could be so entertaining and enticing. When I get a spare moment over the festive season, I’m going to grab my pen and give them a go… although, I am certain I won’t outshine your dear old ‘Enery… a priceless Tudor gem of a clerihew.
Susan – When you’ve mastered the rondeau and the villanelle as you have, and I haven’t, you’ll find writing clerihews is a walk in the park. I must have written over a hundred of them now but only three of them are funny. This is the funniest of the three. As you’ll see, it’s not really that funny, especially in USA where you probably don’t even have JCBs, and you will have long forgotten what they look like.
J C Bamford
Was recorded in Hansard
When he drove heavy plant
Through a Prime Ministerial rant.
This is the next nearly funniest:
Alexander the Great
Would have carried less weight
Had he not had the bottle
To be coached by Aristotle.
And this is the least funny of all:
Henry Ford
Took their feelings on board
When his customers’ feedback
Showed they all hated black.
Peter, I’ve certainly not seen this poetic form (clerihews) prior to your post, but they are quite humorous.
My favorite is #4. I love how you’ve rhymed Italy/prettily.
Thanks for sharing. 🙂